Review: No More Heroes

Used to be a game wasn't done until the total game time read 99:99. But when game creators keep throwing Devil May Crys, Kingdom Hearts, and God of Wars at you, what's a poor farmerboy to do? Our latest entry is No More Heroes for the Nintendo Wii.

In No More Heroes, you take on the roll of crude otaku turned assassin Travis Touchdown. Now I know what you're saying: "Travis Touchdown? That's the best name ever!" Well, it's not but it is in the top ten (right behind Kim Possible I believe). Now our man Travis is ranked number eleven in the assassin list but he wants to be number one. So how do you suppose he'll get there? Think about it, it's pretty obvious.

Travis wields a beam katana which is like a lightsaber but it isn't a lightsaber because lightsabers are copyrighted. So you'll hack through enemies not by flailing your arms like an idiot as the Wii Remote would lead you to believe but by smashing the hell out of the A-button. Keep this up and you'll widdle your foes' health down until you can execute a finishing maneuver by, well, flailing your arm in the correct direction. It's the Wii, you knew it was coming.

Storywise, No More Heroes is no Zelda, but then again only the billion Zelda games can live up to those standards, right? Still, it's pretty weak but at the same time, you have to applaud the fun writing the script must've been. The 4th wall is broken, some plot points are deliberatly left open, and just about every line ever uttered sounds like it was taken from some B-grade action movie. My favorite: "If challenge had a taste, you'd be quite delicious."

The gameplay is pretty fun but it does have it's down times. You take on the bosses in ten fun battles but to get to them you have to earn enough cash by doing minigames. Think of Shadow of the Colossus, but instead of traversing a continent, to stall for time, you have to mow the lawn or pick up cans. Yeah. Don't get me wrong, if your the type of gamer who loves tedious minigames and Wii Play just isn't pointless enough for you, you'll love filling up cars with gas.

Another stumble block is the graphics. While the characters sport unique and great designs, backgrounds are amongst the worst of this generation of games (you may know worse but I play games that aren't supposed to be crappy). They really sport a Gamecube vibe that's a bit embarrassing in today's gaming world. You may not care how much the wall you're about to crash your motorcycle in looks like cardboard but in all honesty, you should.

And while we're on the subject, what's up with that damn motorcycle? Granted, crashing makes the game a bit more realistic, but that novelty wears off fast. I mean, if there's no cool explosion or wreckage as a reward, falling off your bike everytime you slightly hit that wall is going to piss you off. Trust me.

Sound is pretty forgettable. Most melodies in the background sound relatively plain and fail to stand out. There is this one real song that's played in every store in the game but it shows up way too often to be considered special. I'll admit, the fake in-game videogame music (played after each boss fight) is pretty clever and honestly, my favorite of the music selection.

Now some players may be mad if I end this review with whining about the dumb minigames and not mention the assassination missions. Fine, you win! You can also make some much needed dough by taking on missions that are pretty much the same equation but different variables. Go kill a swarm of guys over here or go kill a swarm of guys over there, or my favorite, go kill this one important guy but he'll be surrounded by a swarm of guys. Hacking through foes is admittedly fun with the four beam katanas available but if you're annoyed by repetition, prepare to pull your hair out.

Final Review Summary: No More Heroes is a good game with some bad points that fans will most likely not tell you about when they reccommend the game to you. Because everybody says "Kingdom Hearts II is awesome" and not "Kingdom Hearts II is awesome but I have to admit, the Little Mermaid parts were horrible". But unlike the Mermaid crap, battle swarms of foes or cleaning grafitti for money isn't optional.

Score: 7th Ranked Assassin out of 10

Oh and Sylvia's a total bitch. I don't mean that in a degrading women way, I mean that in Sylvia's a bitch way.